We look at one another in frustration and sadness before she gets up and leaves. We've both just aired our grievances. There's not a lot more to say, yet it still feels abrupt. It's the most recent in a bit of a string of awkward goodbyes over the past few years, and I wonder again if I could have done anything differently.
Lately I’ve been getting into the Saturday morning habit of stopping at the local bakery on my way back from the gym and waiting in line with other Marrickville locals and their dogs for a kim chi scone, a chai brew and a seeded loaf. Back home, the seeded loaf always needs to be sliced and somehow that means that I’m sweeping up crumbs for the next few days.
My therapist has been talking about breadcrumbs lately as well. Not the seeded loaf type of crumbs, but more the figurative type - times when I am willing to accept scerricks of others' time, or mere morsels of their emotional support or when there isn't reciprocity. She thinks I need to develop a bit more of an intolerance for crumbs.
This is a good challenge for me. It still feels unfamiliar to me to set a boundary, or articulate my needs. As someone who is "other" focused, I have tended to think about what the other person wants and try to see their point of view, which can lead to resentment if they're not doing the same. But in recent times when someone has been flaky a few too many times, or disregarded my needs, or crossed a boundary, I’ve talked about the impact on me, or simply made a request about future behaviour. I've also been able to reflect on my own behaviour and come back later to apologise when I've been out of line. This feels like progress, and most of the time leads to a deeper connection with the other person.
Thanks to facebook memories, I'm reminded that this time two years ago I was staying at a friend's place while I processed the infamous "tea towel incident". I was deciding whether to leave or stay. Able to pretty my temporary sanctuary up with flowers, plants and a couple of cute homeware items purchased from Vinnies, I realised that I was starting to restore a sense of self. Part of me had been tempted to believe a narrative that I was too sensitive, that I was running away, and that I should consider more fully how my leaving would negatively impact on others. A friend recently reassured me that I wasn't running away so much as removing myself from a dynamic that wasn't safe for me. Sometimes communicating needs, setting boundaries or being vulnerable doesn't lead to a deeper connection and the best outcome for all is to walk away.
This year I had an odd birthday. There had been a death, and work had been stressful, and I'd ended up crying a lot. When it came time to join the evening gathering I had organised as a celebration, I worried that I’d still be sad. But I was surrounded by friends; people who show up even though there's stuff going on in their lives, who enjoy spending time with me, and who value the qualities in me that I value in myself. I came away feeling good about the nourishing friendships that I’ve cultivated over the years.
This helped clarify for me that from now onwards I want to focus on those relationships where I feel valued and safe. For the others, I can appreciate their wonderful qualities, and be grateful for what I've learnt about myself from the relationship, but I've recently developed a mild intolerance for breadcrumbs. So, I've decided to choose me. I choose the whole loaf. I choose another slightly abrupt and awkward goodbye.
